and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
