I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize