I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
