can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
