I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
