this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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