1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
