dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
