shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
