The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
