Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
In other news, I just burned my penis
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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