good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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