i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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