Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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