You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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