it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
