Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
