Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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