have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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