Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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