drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Those nachos came to me in a dream
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