Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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