Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
