just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
