In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
