Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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