I am midnight drunk by noon
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
