just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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