you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The air was thick with penises
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
