Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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