my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
