yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
