shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
