Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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