I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
