Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
