not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
