Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
