I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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