Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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