Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
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