Capitaan dildo arrescate!
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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