My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
BRING THE BAGELS
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
