oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
