I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
