I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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