Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
