That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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