my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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