Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Everything about him screamed your future.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
