Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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