Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
