i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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